The drink itself was a bright, neon yellow that looked slightly radioactive. Jolene said it tasted like synthetic blueberries and had a distinct aftertaste. She chugged it down over the course of ten minutes, and then refilled the bottle twice, choking down gulp after gulp of weird-tasting water until her stomach was bursting with 1.5 liters of liquid.
As such, we decided to put three brands to the test:
These drinks can be expensive—up to $60 a pop—but that’s a small price to pay when your job may be on the line. They all offer the same thing: a same-day, temporary fix for your THC-tainted piss, so long as you use ‘em exactly as directed.
When it comes to balancing a professional life with even a casual weed habit, American stoners have a delicate line to walk. Despite being recreationally legal in nine states and medicinally legal in 29, the federal ban on marijuana consumption means employers across the country have the right to refuse or terminate the employment of anyone who fails a drug test for THC.
First up, we had Jolene try out a 17-ounce bottle of Rescue Detox. According to Karen, the very sweet Applied Sciences customer service lady we reached at the “LIVE SUPPORT” number listed at the bottom of the bottle, Jolene had to avoid eating for five hours before she did the cleanse. Luckily, it was Sunday, so Jolene had just woken up from a four and a half hour nap after spending the morning smoking and eating an entire large portion of Popeye’s mac and cheese, as one does.
The drug tests we purchased are pretty standard pee tests. Basically you wee into a cup, take the cap off the drug test, and then submerge the little rectangular piece at the end for about ten seconds. Results take about five minutes. The test we bought for the purposes of this experiment are used specifically to detect THC and nothing else.
According to a poll released by the Society for Human Resource Management, about 57 percent of American companies subject employees to drug tests. That’s down significantly from 81 percent in 1996, possibly because employers are finding it increasingly difficult to find quality candidates who are able to pass.
While Jeff Sessions seems to believe otherwise, countless studies have shown marijuana to be significantly less dangerous than other Schedule I drugs like heroin and cocaine and much safer than legal substances like alcohol and tobacco. To add insult to injury, when it comes to pre- or post-employment drug testing—which most often takes the form of a urine test—marijuana is the substance that takes the longest to get out of your system.
Photo on left from Getty Images. Right and all other photos via the author
From the Stinger Detox to the Detoxify Xxtraclean Herbal Cleanse & Rescue Detox, we tested these detox drinks that say they’ll help you pass a urine test.
Oh yeah, because GNC is known for accurate statements on its products, and they always work exactly as promised. Want more energy, better sleep, bigger muscles, and a trim belly? Just drink this shake! Never mind that the FDA doesn’t approve any of it, nor does the science ever bear it out. Never mind that if the advertised benefits of GNC products were always true, the whole nation would be slim, muscular, and bounding with unlimited energy. The only thing I don’t understand is why none of these guys are ever sued for false advertising. If you want to beat a drug test, you would do just as well to buy a magic potion.
When it comes to the drug testing flushes, detox baths, washes, cleanses, or whatever marketing crap name they want to call it – it’s hogwash, mere fantasy, and plain old bull. Instead of guzzling a GNC detox drink, try this for equal chance of success: take your money and light it on fire. I guarantee that if you don’t beat the test, at least you’ll get a little warmth.
Second only to the excuse of, “My dog ate my homework,” is the well worn lie of, “I didn’t smoke, I was at a party where people were smoking.” How do I know that this is always a lie? Because your body can’t produce the metabolites that are detected in a drug test unless you actually ingested the drug. That’s true for a hair test or a urine test. Having the smoky smell of marijuana in your hair doesn’t mean the drug is in your hair. Think about it: if you get a BBQ smell in your hair when you pass the shish kebob man on the street, does that mean you have shish kebob in your hair?
Pretty much any drug can be detected. Cocaine, marijuana, heroin, speed, opiates, oxycontin. And also, ecstasy, molly, bath salts, suboxone, benzo’s, and more. These are some of the most common tests:
Urban legends abound about how to beat a drug test. Today, so many products and websites are ready to pocket your money by persuading you that they have the secret sauce to help you magically test negative. Users who desperately need to beat a drug test in order to get a job (or to stay out of prison, or to maintain visitation rights to the kids) are understandably easy prey for these modern day snake oil purveyors.
Ultimately, the manufacturers of this device went to jail, and production was shut down. DOT changed all their regs for “observed” testing – the kind of testing where a collector has to actually watch you pee. Prior to this, the collector only had to watch the pee coming out of the body and into the cup. And the Whizzinator, which fit over the man’s real penis, and apparently came in a variety of colors and sizes, was impossible to recognize. Since then, at every observed DOT drug test, the donor must drop his pants to his knees, raise his shirt above the navel, and do a 360 degree turn. This seemingly unbelievable practice has survived various court challenges. The feds are not playing around when it comes to safety, and their commitment to get drug users off the road, the rails, and the sky.
If you’re slick enough to sneak in some bleach to the bathroom with you when you go for a drug test, or the testing company is dumb enough to leave some cleaning agents in the bathroom, you might consider slipping some into your sample to oxidize the drugs. Hydrogen Peroxide works, too. Perfect system, right?
The products have alluring names like, “Definite Detox,” “Assured Cleanse,” and “Total Guardian.” The fact is, drug testing myths remain some of the most widely believed fantasies, even among highly educated people and professional companies. What is it about drug testing that causes intelligent people to think preposterous notions are true, without ever checking the facts?
Ok, let’s get right to my favorite myth. I hear it all the time from otherwise smart adults when I tell them I do drug testing for a living. They always come back at me with, “Can’t you just buy one of those detox drinks at GNC and beat the test?”
Before buying a detox cleanse, if you want to beat a drug test, learn what works and what is pure myth.