When it comes to balancing a professional life with even a casual weed habit, American stoners have a delicate line to walk. Despite being recreationally legal in nine states and medicinally legal in 29, the federal ban on marijuana consumption means employers across the country have the right to refuse or terminate the employment of anyone who fails a drug test for THC.
Photo on left from Getty Images. Right and all other photos via the author
Karen told her to drink Rescue an hour before “cleansing time,” then refill the bottle with water twice and drink that within 30 minutes. She was then supposed to pee three times, after which she should be good to go for three to five hours. Quite a lot of work!
First up, we had Jolene try out a 17-ounce bottle of Rescue Detox. According to Karen, the very sweet Applied Sciences customer service lady we reached at the “LIVE SUPPORT” number listed at the bottom of the bottle, Jolene had to avoid eating for five hours before she did the cleanse. Luckily, it was Sunday, so Jolene had just woken up from a four and a half hour nap after spending the morning smoking and eating an entire large portion of Popeye’s mac and cheese, as one does.
Luckily for them, and those of us who enjoy the occasional after-work blunt or who use marijuana to treat otherwise unmanageable chronic illnesses, there’s an entire industry devoted to beating the dreaded piss test. With enough advanced notice, there might be several ways you could go—quitting outright, subbing your dirty pee with a straight edge friend’s. But if your boss springs the news on you with only hours to spare, you’ve got pretty much one viable option: detox drinks.
In the photo above, you’ll see Jolene’s first pre-drink test. It is very positive. The “C” on the test stands for “Control.” The line next to it appears whether the test is negative or positive. The “T” stands for “Test.” If a line appears in “T,” the test is negative. If no line appears, the test is positive. As you can see above, Jolene was not able to produce a “T” line because she is high af.
These drinks can be expensive—up to $60 a pop—but that’s a small price to pay when your job may be on the line. They all offer the same thing: a same-day, temporary fix for your THC-tainted piss, so long as you use ‘em exactly as directed.
There are several of these on the market, “cleansing supplements” that, at a glance, seem to be nothing more than herbal energy drinks. On the back of each bottle, the language used is deliberately vague.
The drug tests we purchased are pretty standard pee tests. Basically you wee into a cup, take the cap off the drug test, and then submerge the little rectangular piece at the end for about ten seconds. Results take about five minutes. The test we bought for the purposes of this experiment are used specifically to detect THC and nothing else.
From the Stinger Detox to the Detoxify Xxtraclean Herbal Cleanse & Rescue Detox, we tested these detox drinks that say they’ll help you pass a urine test.
Stinger Detox Deep System Cleanser
Cranberry juice & drug tests are almost synonymous. Before detox drinks hit the market, every stoner everywhere would suggest cranberry juice cleanses a few days before drug testing for favorable results. Which isn’t as hokey as it sounds. While you have to make sure and get the 100% juice stuff (as the juice concentrates are filled with sugar and other juices that significantly reduce effectiveness), pure cranberry juice has a multitude of health benefits specifically designed for your urinary system. It can help flush the kidneys, lymphatic system, and intestines of toxins. It can also help treat the symptoms of minor urinary tract infections. Start the juice cleanse about a week before testing and add some water and B vitamins into the mix to sufficiently dilute your urine and get your system out of the gutter.
Detoxify Xxtraclean Herbal Cleanse Stinger
Exercise helps reduce your bodies THC content by burning the fat that the THC attaches itself to. Having a good amount of base musculature serves to increase a bodies metabolic rate, which means you can burn fat just by sitting around. So staying in shape is another excellent way to get a clean drug test. If you’re in great baseline health, eat, drink, and exercise properly, just laying off weed for a week or so should be good enough to clean you out in time. However, not everyone gets a heads up when it comes to urine testing, so if you face the dreaded random drug test, it’s always a good idea to keep some fast acting detox drinks on hand.
Stinger Detox has a massive range of products, but what really makes them stand out is the “5x Extra Strength” drink, which can serve you a clean bill of urine in just 60-90 minutes. Way less time than most other detox drinks. Another added benefit is that you end up drinking way less fluid than most of the other detox drinks available. The initial bottle is only 237mL, which you refill twice with water and drink down. For a total of a measly 711mL. Pee three or four times prior to testing, then you’re good for testing. The company does note that their drinks work best if you steer clear of dairy products and eat healthily. They also suggest staying regularly hydrated with water. Which is good advice whether you’re testing or not.
Most of the toxins in our bodies are mitigated and eliminated thanks to the help of our liver and kidneys. Key points to remember in keeping these filter organs happy are to drink plenty of water, eat a low sodium, low sugar diet, and try and abstain from high amounts of alcohol use. The happier these organs are, the quicker you self clean.
If you’ve got a bit more time on your hands before testing begins and want to try something a little more natural, there are a few options to get your urine clear and clean. Most of the natural drink approaches require at least a few days of non-smoking and heavy drinking. For hefty users and the slightly overweight stoner, you may want to give yourself a few smoke free weeks while cleansing with these beverages.
For a healthy body, the best detox drink is a combination of water and time. Because marijuana is a fat soluble drug, the best way to clear it from your system fast is to eat healthy foods that are low in fat and sugar. Maintaining the ideal weight and staying well hydrated are also ways to prime your body to get rid of residuals quickly. If you’re a heavy smoker and you know you have a test coming up, stop smoking as far in advance as you can. The better your overall health is, the less time your body will take to clean itself out.
Short on time but need to clean out your body before a drug test? These detox drinks and best practices will help you prepare to pass with flying colors!