The drug tests we purchased are pretty standard pee tests. Basically you wee into a cup, take the cap off the drug test, and then submerge the little rectangular piece at the end for about ten seconds. Results take about five minutes. The test we bought for the purposes of this experiment are used specifically to detect THC and nothing else.
These drinks can be expensive—up to $60 a pop—but that’s a small price to pay when your job may be on the line. They all offer the same thing: a same-day, temporary fix for your THC-tainted piss, so long as you use ‘em exactly as directed.
There are several of these on the market, “cleansing supplements” that, at a glance, seem to be nothing more than herbal energy drinks. On the back of each bottle, the language used is deliberately vague.
In the photo above, you’ll see Jolene’s first pre-drink test. It is very positive. The “C” on the test stands for “Control.” The line next to it appears whether the test is negative or positive. The “T” stands for “Test.” If a line appears in “T,” the test is negative. If no line appears, the test is positive. As you can see above, Jolene was not able to produce a “T” line because she is high af.
While Jeff Sessions seems to believe otherwise, countless studies have shown marijuana to be significantly less dangerous than other Schedule I drugs like heroin and cocaine and much safer than legal substances like alcohol and tobacco. To add insult to injury, when it comes to pre- or post-employment drug testing—which most often takes the form of a urine test—marijuana is the substance that takes the longest to get out of your system.
First up, we had Jolene try out a 17-ounce bottle of Rescue Detox. According to Karen, the very sweet Applied Sciences customer service lady we reached at the “LIVE SUPPORT” number listed at the bottom of the bottle, Jolene had to avoid eating for five hours before she did the cleanse. Luckily, it was Sunday, so Jolene had just woken up from a four and a half hour nap after spending the morning smoking and eating an entire large portion of Popeye’s mac and cheese, as one does.
As such, we decided to put three brands to the test:
Photo on left from Getty Images. Right and all other photos via the author
But do they actually, like, work? This is a question even the most diligent Googler is wont to find. As it stands, all the available information on these detox drinks seems to be either an obvious paid promotion for one brand or another, or come from anons with usernames like Stoner4Lyfe420 on eight-year old marijuana message board threads.
From the Stinger Detox to the Detoxify Xxtraclean Herbal Cleanse & Rescue Detox, we tested these detox drinks that say they’ll help you pass a urine test.
2. Detox Drinks
“This one may seem a little surprising, but Midol contains diuretics, which promotes the production of urine, diluting the amount of drugs in your system.”
“This is probably the most difficult way to cheat your way through a urine test because you have to smuggle it in. You can either bring a container filled with a clean friend’s urine, use a pre-mixed sample, or a prosthetic penis. If you decide to go with this option, remember, some tests measure the temperature of the urine, so when you bring in your ‘sample’, keep it close to your body, so the liquid will be close enough to body temperature. Finally, we wary of rubber bands, Velcro, and tape, because the test administrator may stand outside the door and listen for those things.”
“It is unclear how these actually work, but they do. Be cautious when taking these because they usually start working in about 1-2 hours, they don’t last for long periods of time, and may not work for some people. Additionally, they can be on the more pricy side, so ask around, or test it before you use it.”
4. Take Midol
There are few things more terrifying to the average gentleman than the words “surprise drug test” – particularly if that gentleman happens to be a professional athlete. Barely a week goes by without hearing about someone getting busted, whether it’s former 100-meter world record holder Asafa Powell, whose backup doping tests came back positive just last week, Lance Armstrong, A-Rod, or pretty much every single athlete in Turkey. Even if you’re not an athlete, there are plenty of dudes whose day could be pretty well wrecked by a surprise drug test (especially if they themselves got pretty well wrecked at the weekend), which is why we invited Yaacov Shoham, the man behind home drug test Touch & Know, to weigh in with five ways to help you pass a drug test. Don’t say we never do anything for you!
If you absolutely need to. You know, because someone spiked your drink. Or something.