Photo on left from Getty Images. Right and all other photos via the author
Luckily for them, and those of us who enjoy the occasional after-work blunt or who use marijuana to treat otherwise unmanageable chronic illnesses, there’s an entire industry devoted to beating the dreaded piss test. With enough advanced notice, there might be several ways you could go—quitting outright, subbing your dirty pee with a straight edge friend’s. But if your boss springs the news on you with only hours to spare, you’ve got pretty much one viable option: detox drinks.
These drinks can be expensive—up to $60 a pop—but that’s a small price to pay when your job may be on the line. They all offer the same thing: a same-day, temporary fix for your THC-tainted piss, so long as you use ‘em exactly as directed.
While Jeff Sessions seems to believe otherwise, countless studies have shown marijuana to be significantly less dangerous than other Schedule I drugs like heroin and cocaine and much safer than legal substances like alcohol and tobacco. To add insult to injury, when it comes to pre- or post-employment drug testing—which most often takes the form of a urine test—marijuana is the substance that takes the longest to get out of your system.
“Drink the entire bottle 60 to 90 minutes before your desired time.”
The drink itself was a bright, neon yellow that looked slightly radioactive. Jolene said it tasted like synthetic blueberries and had a distinct aftertaste. She chugged it down over the course of ten minutes, and then refilled the bottle twice, choking down gulp after gulp of weird-tasting water until her stomach was bursting with 1.5 liters of liquid.
In the photo above, you’ll see Jolene’s first pre-drink test. It is very positive. The “C” on the test stands for “Control.” The line next to it appears whether the test is negative or positive. The “T” stands for “Test.” If a line appears in “T,” the test is negative. If no line appears, the test is positive. As you can see above, Jolene was not able to produce a “T” line because she is high af.
“Frequent urination indicates that you are experiencing optimal cleansing.”
According to a poll released by the Society for Human Resource Management, about 57 percent of American companies subject employees to drug tests. That’s down significantly from 81 percent in 1996, possibly because employers are finding it increasingly difficult to find quality candidates who are able to pass.
From the Stinger Detox to the Detoxify Xxtraclean Herbal Cleanse & Rescue Detox, we tested these detox drinks that say they’ll help you pass a urine test.
This article was originally published April 7, 2017. It has been updated for clarity and accuracy.
If depression and anxiety are more clinical, consider taking advantage of resources such as therapy. Whatever the reason, be kind to yourself during detox.
First and foremost on the list is to get up and move. As discussed, THC is stored in the fat cells of the body. This means that for those who have more fat, it will take longer to detox. Exercise such as cardio and weight training will help burn fat and increase metabolism, thus speeding up the detox process.
Many greens increase metabolism as they are high in iron and other essential vitamins. Incorporate more spinach, kale, and other greens into your diet to assist the process of flushing out your system. Healthy fibers will also be beneficial during this period, so incorporate beans, legumes, peanuts, unenriched whole wheat, and other good fibers for an added boost.
For others, it may mean putting less on your metaphorical plate and allowing yourself to use the detox time as a vacation from usual stresses and agitations.
Detox drinks вЂ“ Refreshing beverages full of detox-friendly ingredients like lemon, mint, and watermelon are easy to assemble and enjoy. ThereвЂ™s a plethora of recipes available on sites like Pinterest.
On the note of treating yourself kindly, be sure to nurture yourself during detoxification. The process of detox is already a very nurturing, healthy journey, with improvements to diet and exercise. Consider the experience a chance to take care of yourself and you may find your entire perspective of detox shifting. Think of this time asВ a vacation, where you give yourself permission to worry less and pamper more.
Bentonite clay вЂ“ A popular clay, made of aged volcanic ash, bentonite clay has many detoxifying properties as itвЂ™s known for absorbing toxins, chemicals, impurities, and heavy metals. It has external as well as internal uses, and can easily be incorporated into a detox regime. Use a bentonite clay detox in a bath, on the skin, or even in a glass of drinking water.
Detox kit вЂ“ Detox kits for THC often include various items such as herbal capsules as well as instructions about how to properly use the kitвЂ™s system to rid the body of toxins. Bio Cleanse Detox, for example, can be used as a THC detox kit and includes вЂњ90 herbal vegan capsules of Digest Power formula to stimulate the bowels and organs, 300 grams of Toxin Remover powder, to absorb the released toxins and carry them away safely, and also 30 veggie caps of vegan probiotics.вЂќ The kit also comes with instructions and a choice of either a nine or 14 day cleanse.
How do you get THC out of your system before a drug test? Learn how to naturally detox from weed and use products like detox drinks and clay powders.