When it comes to balancing a professional life with even a casual weed habit, American stoners have a delicate line to walk. Despite being recreationally legal in nine states and medicinally legal in 29, the federal ban on marijuana consumption means employers across the country have the right to refuse or terminate the employment of anyone who fails a drug test for THC.
There are several of these on the market, “cleansing supplements” that, at a glance, seem to be nothing more than herbal energy drinks. On the back of each bottle, the language used is deliberately vague.
Photo on left from Getty Images. Right and all other photos via the author
Luckily for them, and those of us who enjoy the occasional after-work blunt or who use marijuana to treat otherwise unmanageable chronic illnesses, there’s an entire industry devoted to beating the dreaded piss test. With enough advanced notice, there might be several ways you could go—quitting outright, subbing your dirty pee with a straight edge friend’s. But if your boss springs the news on you with only hours to spare, you’ve got pretty much one viable option: detox drinks.
For context, Jolene’s marijuana consumption is probably slightly, but not much, below average for stoners. She smokes a bowl most days after work, and blazes up two to three times a day on the weekends. Occasionally she’ll have an edible or do a dab, but says she usually sticks to traditional smoking methods—bowls, bongs, and joints. Most of these drinks caution “heavy” users to double their dosage, or go with a more concentrated version, so if you smoke more or less than Jolene, you’re likely to have different results. And none of the results we got here should be considered scientific or at all conclusive.
Our test was simple. We ordered a ten-pack of THC pee tests from Amazon for $7.99, and recruited a regular recreational weed smoker—a 28-year-old woman we’ll call “Jolene”—to test out these drinks over the course of a week without altering her normal weed habits. She’d try out one drink every two days, and take a control test before starting each one to make sure she was still testing positive before drinking them. Then she’d follow the directions on each bottle and see whether she could piss herself clean.
After three pees that, in Jolene’s words, “looked like I drank highlighter ink,” she took the test. It actually fucking worked. While the line was thin, it counted. Jolene tested negative for THC, despite having smoked several pre-noon bowls just hours before. We were both pretty shocked by this turn of events.
Karen told her to drink Rescue an hour before “cleansing time,” then refill the bottle with water twice and drink that within 30 minutes. She was then supposed to pee three times, after which she should be good to go for three to five hours. Quite a lot of work!
“Drink the entire bottle 60 to 90 minutes before your desired time.”
From the Stinger Detox to the Detoxify Xxtraclean Herbal Cleanse & Rescue Detox, we tested these detox drinks that say they’ll help you pass a urine test.
Despite weed being legal in nine states across the US, federal bans still require some users to “pee clean” for certain occupations, which seems pretty unfair for a casual user. While it’s by far the least dangerous drug taken recreationally, it can take weeks to completely get out of our bodies, even though it only takes a few hours to stop making us high. This is all due to how the body processes marijuana, and each individual body processes it a bit differently. Weed is a fat-soluble drug, which means that it binds to fats in our bodies. So for heavy consumers- both people who smoke a lot, and/or people who are overweight, this can be a really tricky test to pass.
Stinger Detox has a massive range of products, but what really makes them stand out is the “5x Extra Strength” drink, which can serve you a clean bill of urine in just 60-90 minutes. Way less time than most other detox drinks. Another added benefit is that you end up drinking way less fluid than most of the other detox drinks available. The initial bottle is only 237mL, which you refill twice with water and drink down. For a total of a measly 711mL. Pee three or four times prior to testing, then you’re good for testing. The company does note that their drinks work best if you steer clear of dairy products and eat healthily. They also suggest staying regularly hydrated with water. Which is good advice whether you’re testing or not.
Diet and Exercise Detox
Got an upcoming exam that you need to “study” for? We’ve got your “drug test, how to pass” cliff notes right here.
While Detoxify’s instructions don’t say anything about abstaining from food, they do suggest that you stop smoking for as long as possible before using their drinks. Once you’ve put down the pipe for a bit, drink the entire contents of the bottle, refill once with water, then pee three or four times. After that, you should be able to pass a drug test for up to the next five hours.
Who doesn’t love a warm cup of coffee in the mornings? Afternoons, evenings… pretty much every hour of the day. Humans seem to love coffee in the same way that Sam Gamgee loves potatoes. Okay, maybe not in a stew, but definitely for every meal. Coffee is a natural diuretic, which means that it makes you pee, a lot. So coffee, coupled with good water intake will promote urination and help flush your system quick. Again, it’s suggested that you abstain from herb for at least a week prior to testing, but coffee will definitely help you flush out any residual toxins in your system. Make sure that you’re drinking it black or Americano style for you espresso lovers, as heavy dairy or sugar intake will encourage THC to stay in your system longer.
If you’ve got a bit more time on your hands before testing begins and want to try something a little more natural, there are a few options to get your urine clear and clean. Most of the natural drink approaches require at least a few days of non-smoking and heavy drinking. For hefty users and the slightly overweight stoner, you may want to give yourself a few smoke free weeks while cleansing with these beverages.
Short on time but need to clean out your body before a drug test? These detox drinks and best practices will help you prepare to pass with flying colors!